Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Stuck on Band-Aid

We've flown from Miami to Atlanta and back and we're waiting for the plane to take us to Nashville when I look down and spot a hole in my pantyhose. I rummage in my suitcase, but no nail polish for repair work.

Well crap.

I glare at the ruined hose (no I don't have a spare) and get an idea. I'll use the sticky strip of a Band-Aid, tuck it in the hole and tape the raw edges of nylon together. Oh yeah, great idea.

I duck in the ladies, but I can't tear the Band-Aid apart with my hands, so I use my teeth.

Did I mention veneers?

Yep, four fake covers, front and center, so ex-hubby wouldn't call me Fang.

Did it work?

Not exactly, but I don't miss the gap, the canines or ex-hubby, only it's been twenty years and I've forgotten those damn things have a life span. I clamp the end of the Band-Aid between my teeth and yank.

There's a sharp crack and something clatters into the sink. My eyes shoot to the mirror.

"THIT."

"Are you alright?" Asks a mother as she cups her hands over her daughter's ears.

"Fine." I give her a weak smile and glance back at my image. 

"THIT."

"Are you sure you're alright?" She scoots closer to the door.

"Thowy." I flap my arms and stare at the wreckage. The gap is back, but now it's bracketed by the remains of the veneers. 

"THIT."

After the mother flees the restroom, I slink back to the gate with my hand cupped over my mouth. "I don't think I can go."

"Why?" Ask my co-workers. 

I give the crew a sick smile, they start to laugh and I slap my hand back over my mouth. It's too much. I join the laughter, dig out my cell phone and call crew schedule.

"What?" Say's John, annoyed because we only call with problems.

"I just bwoke my two fwont teeth." I launch into the story and he starts to chuckle. "Tho," I ask, "do you have a fwight attendant who can finith my twip?"

"Just a sec." 

I roll my eyes and check my watch. We're due to board in five minutes.

"This is Claire, so why can't you fly your trip?"

Another scheduler? I sigh and start again. "I bwoke my fwont teeth." 

Claire chokes out a laugh and John comes back on the line. "Okay, I don't have anyone at the airport, but I'll take you off the trip and call someone else in."

Crap, that'll take hours. "No, I'll fwy to Nathville. Can you wemove me when we get back to Miami?"

"Sure," he says, delighted the flight will go on time, "how bout I deadhead you home on a earlier flight?"

"Uh," there's nothing wrong with my math skills and an eight hour layover is brutal, "naw, I'll wook back to Miami."

"Deal, I'll have a replacement finish the trip, have a nice flight."

We board the flight and I'm working first class, so instead of a verbal greeting, I nod and bob my head. Passengers aren't stupid, they've watched our laughing antics behind the gate and they know something's up.

Well I don't want to be rude so after we level off, I stomp into the cabin and hold the serving tray like a fan to cover my mouth. "I bwoke my fwont teeth. Make me waugh and you go to coach."

Grins break out and eyes twinkle. Have I told you before that passengers are wicked? Yep, downright evil and 3B, you know who you are and Karma's coming to get you.








52 comments:

  1. Well, since the Elmer Fudd dialect has already been overdone, I'll try to resist, but this really cwacked me up! Oops! <3

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  2. You know of courth thith could only pothibwy happen to YOU!
    lmfbo and hugging you aww at the thame time. ♥

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  3. Replies
    1. Hi Tim. laugh all you want, I have a warm pup for sympathy :)

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  4. Ha ha ha! I love it! Super fun story, but I'm sorry about the teeth.

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    1. Naw, the old ones resembled baby elephant toes. Denistry has come a long way :)

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  5. Bellying over right now! I needed that... Thanks Kelly.

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    1. You need Rudy. Have a marvelous weekend.

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  6. Hi Kelly. I am in stitches on the floor laughing so much. This is a great post. It will bring a smile to my face all day.

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    1. Thanks Lanthie, your son's music put a smile on mine.

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  7. Oopth! Thory tuh hear uf your pwoblem.

    Blessings and Bear hugs.

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    Replies
    1. Old problem, long solved, but I never turn down a bear hug. Silly ol Bear.

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  8. The commenters are about as bad as 3B!

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  9. Replies
    1. Tho ... we're still courting the thilly are we?

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  10. Well, THIT. That THUCKS! Buth the THTORY Was THUNNY ath HELL!!

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  11. I am so conflicted over this. Part of me is feeling so bad that happened to you and part of me is doubling over in laughter. Really, you had me at "thit".

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    1. Conflict not. It's been so long I almost have these fwuckas paid off.

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  12. Replies
    1. Variations on theme. You guys are thameless.

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  13. I'm sorry I laughed through this.
    Like you I always flew NR and in first. I would have done anything to stay there so I would have been nice. No chance in hell I wouldn't be laughing in the loo though.

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    1. No way would I put that gap toothed smile on display but, the passengers were so funny, I grinned til my cheeks hurt.

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  14. I'm thowy to heaw thith!

    Pearl

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    1. You too Pearl? I had such high hopes.

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  15. I'm tho thorry I laughed at thith, but thank you for making me feel much more pothitive before I have to go and teach the kidth.

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    1. I'd rather hear laughter than face a room of kidth. Have fun!

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  16. Hilarious! And I love that you wear pantyhose. There aren't too many of us left anymore. You, me, and Princess Kate Middleton.

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    1. Oh yeah, Princess Kate, I look just like her.
      Thanks for the visit Marianne. You have a great blog.

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  17. My number one rule with you, Kelly, is never drink anything when I read your stories. "Thit. I fogot!" I'm just glad I didn't THIT my pants.

    Sorry, dear. I couldn't help it, but I'm still laughing. I want to hug you for once again making me happy the whole day through!

    I'm glad I wasn't on that flight-- I'd probably have ended up sitting in the bathroom!

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    1. Oh no you don't. I keep all my troublemakers inthight!

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  18. You're the first flight attendant I've ever known (not that I "know" you, but you get what I mean.) Who'd imagine it's not all glamor and elegance up there in first class?

    I used to be a singer and always carried a spare pair of hose in my purse. They saved me many a time. :-)

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    1. Wow, I'd love to have a singing voice. You are one interesting woman Lexa Cain.

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  19. So hilarious! What a great story. Sorry for the broken tooth, though. This reminds of my of when my entire mouth was numb after the dentist worked on both sides of my mouth at once. I couldn't talk at all. It was awful!

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    1. Thanks kathryn, I enjoyed your enthusiastic pitch session. Enjoy the day -Kelly

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  20. Thufferin' thuccotath...
    That's actually a very funny story.
    Mr. Fudd.
    :-)

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  21. Great story! Thanks for not backing out on your assignment; the passengers would have been greatly perturbed by the delay, and the rest of us (especially the lucky guy in 3B) would have missed a great laugh!

    (There. I hope you noticed that I abthtained from making fun of your new voice!)

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  22. Love it! I'm still laughing. I shall look at flight attendants with different eyes from now on.

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  23. Hey Kelly Louise! You can type fluent lisp; I will be back. Indigo

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  24. oh lol that was the funniest story I ever heard. I'll remember not to waugh at the flight attendant but I'll never look at them the same again.

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